Transfer Talk a.k.a ” I belong to Jesus”

4 06 2009

There’s been a mild bit of speculation as to the future of one Ricardo Izecson dos Santos Leite the last 24 hours or so. Just a bit.

The latest is that Milan will happily sell their prized Brazilian for the GDP of a small country. A sum which Florentino Perez & Co. are more than chuffed to pay, but that Kaka’s dad has requested the kingdom of Dubai and a baby unicorn named Sven for his commission, which put a halt on matters. This little breakdown has allowed Big Bucks Abramovich to unbuckle his pants, yell “yeehaw” and start throwing money about as though he’s starring in a bad rap video. All of which has forced Marca to implode.

This whole Kaka mess – and yes, it is a “mess” – is starting to hit comedic levels with the press. I have never in my life realized so many “inside sources” existed. It’s as though Kaka personally took time of from training with that little thing they call the ‘Brazilian national team’ to call each and every journalistic outfit the world over to update them on the latest and juiciest nuggets – all the while forgetting his story and contradicting himself with every dial tone.

Made all the worse that Chelsea is now in the fray, which means the unholy media trifecta of the British, Spanish and Italian presses have bandied together for cocktails and are now brewing up the perfect storm. The only way this could possibly be any worse would be if Italy invaded Spain and then flogged it to the House of Windsor for a tenner and one of the Queen’s bucket hats.

Sid Lowe, one of Britain’s best football journalists at the moment (largely because he doesn’t cover Britain), plopped down on Sky Sports this morn to proclaim the deal done and dusted. In the process he dropped a few noteworthy news nuggets – some which may have come from Kaka himself:

“What won’t happen yet at least is for it to be formally announced. AC Milan and Real Madrid have discussed this; they want it to be discussed at the back end of this week or early next week.

“It appears the figures in the region of €64-65 million, although there are sources from the other side of the negotiations, with Chelsea trying to get involved, that the fee could actually be nine or ten million Euros higher than that.

So we’re potentially looking at another week of Kaka mania. This would be a good time for one of those ‘holiday’ things. Preferably to a place without electricity or indoor plumbing – precisely the type of place to which Kaka will be fleeing as the madness continues to escalate.

And then there’s that whole business about Kaka proclaiming his desire to stay at the San Siro:


“Nothing’s really changed, what’s changed is that we’re now aware that Kaka was maybe trying to get himself peace. He didn’t really care what he said, he just wanted to get people off his back.

An athlete lied? Say it ain’t so, Ricky.

But the personal favorite, one which so encapsulates sporting directors as a whole, comes via Jorge Valdano, one of the diaper-sportin’ retired persons Florentino brought in to reinvigorate Real:

“There was a very interesting comment from Jorge Valdano, the new director general of Real Madrid, saying ‘at this time of year, you have to be very, very carfeul what people say. Don’t believe what people tell you, and by that I include myself as well’.”

Only in football. Only in football.

All of this was before the Breaking! News! (!) that Real Madrid’s €65m bid was upped significantly by BBA, who has (this just in) commissioned a replica of Noah’s Ark and had the water in the Stamford Bridge showers blessed such that it spouts holy water down on Kaka’s body after he pays tribute to God by kicking a ball about and running real fast.

But really, Chelsea have done something and it involves boatloads of cash and/or a unicorn. Unless they release a statement on the official website saying they haven’t, which they have.

So back to Real Madrid Kaka goes, leaving us anxiously awaiting the answer to only one more important question:

Does Jesus get the same cut as Kia Joorabchian?

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